WORDIAC

Even during the last spring we didn’t enjoy much, rather i didn’t enjoy as much as Lewis and Josephine did. I can feel the spring has come up but no smell of all those beautiful flowers which i loved to smell when we were younger has reached me yet. May be the flowers have become so bad that they have stopped giving smells but mama always says flowers are very good. May be they are tired for an unknown reason. You know what, i feel bored if i sit here in our garden for long these days.

Josephine is my sister and Lewis my brother. Both are elder to me and i’m the youngest. They always love teasing me so i call them by their name. Josephine never complains but Lewis used to hate me when i call him by his name. Of course he’s the eldest. That’s why. Mama told me so. Well he doesn’t complain now. Since i was born i have always had this feeling that I’m different from the rest. I’m sure i am because on my birthday two months back, mama gave me a tight hug, that was unusual though, and whispered me in my ears that i was the best and would always remain the best. I felt so happy except for the fact that mama was crying that evening. I could see her tears rolling down drenching her whole face. When i asked what the matter was, she replied that she was so proud of me that’s why. I can still remember the chocolate cake mama made for me that evening two months back. Now i can’t eat chocolate cakes. Mama says its bad for health but Lewis and Josephine always eat. Though not in front of me but i have seen them eating. Why can’t i eat? I would never know.

Since that evening everything has changed a lot. Lewis and Josephine have stopped teasing me. Lewis has stopped getting angry when i call him by his name. Rather he has started taking care of me so much in this last two months. Now-a-days i don’t even feel like playing with them. I get tired very soon so mama gives me two energy drinks everyday. The one in dark blue bottle is really tasty but i hate the one in black.

Now these days i am sleeping a lot. You know what, its very funny to say but one can find me in my bed almost all the time since last few days. The most interesting part of it is that mama has shifted my bed to the window side. Now i can see the garden right in front of me from my window. Mama knows i love our garden and love it the best during the spring when i can smell the beautiful flowers all over the garden. Today the garden isn’t beautiful at all. It’s very dull and the flowers are all very ugly and i can’t get the usual smell. This isn’t looking like our garden during spring but i’m sure that the next spring is going to be new, fresh and the best. I am feeling kind of restless. I wish i could see it very soon. I wanted to make a painting of our garden but i think its better to do it in the next spring.I don’t know why but i am feeling very weak today.

How would a mind of a child know this? As a mother i always wanted to take a good care of my children. I’m sorry Henry, my child. In spite of all my care and love, i won’t be able to make you smile again. Look at the way he is looking out of his window; hope in his eyes, wishes of his own and dreams all over him. Wish i could see them fulfilled in front of his eyes.

Oh Henry, how can i make you understand that this…….is your last spring!

You know what, i’m really tired of reading the same old notices on our notice board these days. Nothing new is happening in WIT, that’s our college.

Well that day too, i was reading about the Lions League, thats some stupid football tournament, the AIEST TCS mock test, something called biomatrix and a few more which i can’t remember right now. I was waiting for Karan and looking at the notice board. He was still writing the report when i got out. In fact i wasn’t the first one to finish but finished it a little sooner that a good number of people. I still remmember that day. Ma’am Mathur gave us a classwork on report writing. I got a topic on the decline in sale of sports goods and i was supposed to be the marketing manager.

I started writing and while i was channelizing my ideas i heard ma’am Mathur yelling at few students. I hope one of them was Rohit. I’m not sure though. They had copied the previous year’s slides which ma’am showed us for reference. Actually we had to make a powerpoint presentation for the report. At last i finished, i think half the class was still writing then, and jumped down from my seat with a grin. I showed it to ma’am. She exclaimed that i had copied the background of the slides. I felt a bit odd. Hey the guy made the report last year hasn’t patented the background. What’s wrong if i use it? She asked,”So you have also copied?”. I answered with aplomb that i hadn’t but she wasn’t impressed. I’m sure. She read and then told me,”Ok, i think its a bit different. Mail me in my yahoo account today itself.”

After the lunch i was chatting with Karan and i suddenly remembered ma’am Mathur’s words. I was so depressed. I used the background because i liked it and whats wrong if i had used the same background. Ofcourse the contents were all different. I had written it myself. She told me to change the background too. I really didn’t want to because that’s something i liked but Karan insisted me that i should change it or i won’t fetch good marks.

It was 10 at night and i was trying to send my report. I thought a lot whether i should change the background so that i could get good marks or be myself without caring about the marks at all.

I really want to change this world. That is something i always wanted to contribute to this world. Something that would help in changing this world to a better place to dwell on. I was sure that if couldn’t be myself in this small situation and didn’t do something to change people’s pitiful mantality then there’s no use in dreaming big dreams. I would also study for marks, earn lots of money and then die like others.

I thought for half an hour and suddenly remembered Karan’s words. ‘You can’t fight back alone’. He was right. My marks are of more concern to my teachers,my parents and so ofcourse me but deep in my heart, it ached. I know since time long all those who had wanted to change this world had been considered wrong so why not forget it and continue the legacy of impressing others without even thinking what we like and be right all the time and be as happy as slaves!!!

I asked Sharang, my room parter, to select one among the displayed backgroounds.

You know what i changed my background before sending my report to ma’am Mathur yesterday.

Even my tears were weeping

Couldn’t hold on but to fall down

as soon as they were born in my eyes.

I’m a butterfly……………

Wished i could fly like all my fellows,

I heard people say i have the most beautiful wing

And i believed i could change this world………

………if i could fly!!!

Sometimes i thought why such a life

where you find pain even after the heartaches.

Even though i was dead inside,

I pretended to be free with my only wing.

They were all happy……………………..

Like the fallen leaves pretending to be green,

Like the flames of a candle in the wind……..

pretending to be dancing,

I always felt……….it won’t be long……….

And each day ate my hopes to start

’cause i knew………

how on this earth would a wing,

just like mine,be waiting…

God can never make mistakes.

It would still remain as a dream never told.

I was right till i found you.

And things changed before my eyes,

You are the exact half of me i was searching for,

and now we are together,

we can fly high as i always dreamt.

And when we fly,we are going to be the best

as we have the most beautiful wings!

And for you are always with me now

Noone can stop us but to stay agape,

starring at us,watching the world

changing happily to heaven.

The sound was floating and it faded when i looked up

Feeling the promising breeze on my lonely face

i felt cold and i remembered…………………………

Countless and beautiful they were,

trying to light up the dark,twinkling themselves

They weren’t the same…

But the night so dark and stars all around

The very way we dreamt and i remembered………

Wish you were there and played the ‘hang on’ game!!!

The sand below me singing your songs,

And I shed a tear for the way i missed u………………

Soon the dawn yawned infront

And we yelled a great day ahead,

Running with the water

…………..drenched in the sea,

exploring heaven amongst the joy….

Our hearts danced to the tune of the waves

I was happy and the day went good…

But the smile i had……..I wish it was complete!

In the middle of all joys and comforts,

Somewhere in this mind always hovered…….

I wish i was with u…

I missed you!!!

When you smile for the tears you shed yesterday

The stretch is just a remedy and you’re not living.

Your thoughts polluted with dreams

and you think flying yourself into the future

keeping joy below your shoes and run for a life

you’re not livin’

When every pebble is bigger than a mountain

and every dew mightier than the ocean

You’re loving your life more than yourself

and you’re not living.

And as you breathe you’ll think you’re alive

but as you lay for your sleep of life

you’ll cry for those joyful moments you left behind

and they are too far to reach!
And for future seems to be always alive

you can’t have your footprints there inside

and the joy you saw young and green

will remain there untouched……..laughing at you!

And when we shed our tears for your closed eyes

We’re not livin’

‘Cause you’ve never lived a thing called life.

Never knew i can fly through these thoughts

and search for the spot where this heart beats

neither for the fun nor for my life but for a reason.

Never knew this mind can sing a crazy tune

and hover in the wind where someone catches

and understands me to sing back again.

Never knew these eyes can change things,

with this breeze from the horizon washing away…

the ugliest things i ever enjoyed.

Never knew this heart can think

and scratch away to the purest part of it;

and laugh to share the secrets of beatitude.

Never knew i can kill the dark side of me

and be a man of my own commands

and start to dream for the stars again.

Never knew this life is worth living

until i met someone……………………..

and found the friend within!!!

You can touch a bug but follow,

and feel….it never wanted you!

Its just your dreams fooling you

Stupid toddlers!

As dawn yawns on your face,

the follicles smile with don’t-know-why syndrome

You try to wake up but your dreams are too strong.

Things are always beautiful!

“You should have seen them with real eyes.”

Now there’s no more new dreams,

for you are weak

and hear things fading away,

still you are seeing things with closed eyes.

But when you wake up, its all gone

You always open your eyes when dreams fall sick

Things are always ugly,

And that’s when you are alone and that’s real!

You run in your lost direction,

you feel death in your bones.

But you always find a tunnel waiting for you

“light on the other side of it”

people gushing in like second degree morons,

And you are one of them.

You run for the other side,

oh good lord! you can feel the light

You fly above your own….

and you find the light atlast

only to make sure you read

“There’s no light on this side too!!!”

[well this is the life of a simple man...in short life's meaningless!]

A curl upon whispers

spooky sands of ossuary

And the moment smells heaven.

Wrecked hopes playing ’silence’ in the wind

feeling freedom sleeping in the burning dust

And this place……. i call ‘heaven’.

For love is like a green caterpillar;curling smoothly  in the winter leaves and the sun shines to relate the beauty

Pick it up and swallow

And you’ll know the taste of love.

And so came this war

And everyone is a wounded soldier

yet every soldier prefers to die

yet i call it ‘heaven.’

And i pray from this sand

watchin’ everyone….wounded and dead

“May love be the way it looks”

I’m waiting for the smoke to cover me up

And after i die i’ll be called a coward

But still i call it heaven!!!

As i lay dying in this place,

watching the grains of the sand

passing for me…………….

wish i could stop them awhile.

Tears filled this weeping eyes,

but they don’t ache me anymore.

Now its just a game rolling down,

Its just a matter of my time.

I could hear you cry beside me

why ain’t i laying a hand on you.

wish you could really hear this mind of me,

roll down,i’m crying closed eyes.

I waited for your hands to wipe away,

you never reached me though.

i waited for the lights to cure me,

No one came to save me though.

Dreams to make you the queen of angels,

dreams for us to live by together,

dreams for me to climb high forever,

dream for these dreams coming true.

I always felt i could make it,

with you beside i felt i can scream to stars,

before i really closed my eyes.

I’m leaving with things unfinished,

wish i could fight back,

wish i could see you one last time,

Understand me i’m helpless……..

wish i could tell you…………

I’m sorry!

Merin Loukrakpam ( written in memory of a friend,KITO,who

demised on October 2005 due to leukemia.May his soul rest in peace)

The water swept back my time,

So i was finding another chance to see you.

I can feel it but its not the same.

And when i’m here today watching;

this place where we used to play…

i remember those sunsets;those candies u used to eat

and when i ask for one,u always showed those handfull of candies

and run and me running after you by the shore;

i still remember those stupid chats;swinging here and the candies!

And then i wouldn’t know how we grew up n the day u waved me bye;

Ur eyes were weaping n so were you and i knew why..

i know its a kinda stupid but since then i always believe things never have the best of endings.

And guess what.. after u went i used to come here alone;swinging here,watching your seat empty

The ache was real;well now I’m used to…

i missed the chats,the chase,the candies…………..and the you!

well everyday was very funny;me talkin’ alone;laughing

Everything’s so attached,i couldn’t give away the memories…

And then i got tired;tired of being alone;talkin’ with the wind

chasing my shadow;watching your empty seat next to me!

Now i don’t go there;well life’s going as it has to be…. no regrets!

Though somewhere in the mind.. you are.

And so i’m here today,standing in this empty place,watching the empty seats;

watching the sunset…………………